Three Little Girls In School

My life contains so many blessings and always has. Unfortunately, when I reflect on my youth, I realize that I have not always been fair or kind to those that blessed me the most. If blogs allow us to exorcize our demons and write about how we feel, I owe some wonderful people both apologies and my love. Where better to give them than here - since I am a bit too cowardly to do it in person? LOL!

In seventh grade, I met people that would change and shape my life. There were several wonderful people that helped me get through the awkward teenage years and personal losses. None gave me more or remain with me in my heart more than two of my fellow bloggers: Cheryl and Jennifer. I met these wonderful people (and their families) through church and bonded with them at church camp. Cheryl and I became best friends for the next 5 years. Though Cheryl and Jennifer were friends first (and longest), and despite the fact that Jennifer introduced me to Cheryl, Jennifer accepted me graciously. My deepest regret from that time period is that I was not nearly so gracious a friend in return.

My life story is a bit unusual. Cheryl and I actually share a lot of unusual family characteristics. The two primary ones being having older parents (especially our fathers) and having older half siblings yet really being raised as only children due to the age differences. Because we had so much in common, she became a true sister-of-my heart. Not that I didn't love Jennifer, but I latched onto Cheryl. Bless Cheryl's heart, she put up with my demanding friendship and never seemed to blink. In many ways my friendships came with a price - I wanted to be the center of the friendship. Not just with Cheryl, but more so with her. It especially bothered me when Cheryl and Jennifer did things together without me. Irrational, yes, since they lived about a mile apart and had been friends first, but did I mention that I was not a gracious friend?

In high school especially, I boasted an attitude. I tried to be friendly and fair to people, but if you ticked me off, you knew it. Let's just say that over the years, Jennifer and I successfully ticked each other off a lot. Hehe... it was a mutual thing. Sometimes I acted like a 5-year old, and sometimes she shared information that she said she wouldn't - hmmm, passive aggressive? Let's remember that we were teenagers, and despite the fact that I treated her poorly at times, I claimed Jennifer and her family as family. I knew how to throw a wonderful mad, and Jennifer knew how to ignore you (hearing aids turn off don't they?). Also, I loved to play the "you don't exist" game.

Cheryl became a master of supporting me without alienating Jennifer. Naturally, they just didn't tell me when they did stuff sometimes. When I found out about some of those times, I'd get mad. See a pattern here?

We did do some things together well, but all too often I'd ruin a wonderful opportunity for us to become the three amigos because of jealousy. My apologies go out for these occasions. We could have been a wonderful trio.

In retrospect, and many years of psychology classes and working as a VR Counselor later, it appears to me that I may have been experiencing depression and some OCD issues from an early age. My family (both sides) is rife with emotional/mental health conditions. I realize now and did then that what I expected from my friends and how I reacted to them was a little too emotional and demanding. Bless them all for continuing to put up with me!!

College pretty much split my close friendships. It was too hard for me to hear from Cheryl about what she and other friends from home were doing while I was away. Never mind that my life hadn't stopped and didn't revolve around them. Again, did I say that I was gracious? We all went through trials and tribulations, and I was not there for them as I should have been despite the distance. (Another of my life regrets is that I did not fight the snow or threat of storm to make it to Cheryl's Daddy's funeral. I should have and am deeply sorry.)

As an adult, I handle things much better. Still, I don't make friends easily. I have friends at work and through my distance education class, but not friends that I do things with. I work, come home, take care of my family, and that is about it. Events in my life - the death of my grandmother in 7th grade and the death of my father my junior year of college - created some of my distance and lack of interaction with others, but I know that I could change that if I wanted to.

One of my besetting sins was and sometimes still is that I shared private information about friends with other friends because I thought that it could help them or that person could help me think of a way to help them. Unfortunately, that often lead to gossip and turned out more as a betrayal than a help. This habit has diminished greatly over the years, and I know and respect boundaries better than I did. I also know that sometimes people just need to talk and not have their problems solved. It seems that I continue to avoid close friendships out of fear of rejection or causing pain. (Can't get much more honest or real than that folks!) Again, I know that I could change if I just worked harder at it.

Jennifer keeps me involved in her life as much as she can, and she was wonderful when I was pregnant and had my son. Cheryl has her own life; we still manage to shoot each other e-mails. I read both their blogs. We all still live in the same town.

I think we all turned out pretty cool. Jennifer remains passionate about her Christianity and now cochlear implants. Cheryl loves animals and does wonderful things to help save and protect them. Me? I am passionate about vision and vision loss and helping people receive services to adapt to vision loss.

Maybe we can still become the three amigos. We have husbands and families, but that does not mean we can't be real friends. I know that Jennifer and Cheryl both do more with other people (and sometimes each other - I am glad) than I do. Maybe, I still only deal well with small numbers of people. I think that I could do better and be a better friend now. The question is ... have we all moved in too many different directions with too much water under the bridge to become true life-long friends? I hope not because I still love them both very much.

One other friend that I owe the world and did not treat very well is Melissa. If she ever stumbles across this blog from Chattanooga, I hope that she knows that I love her and miss her. My friendship with her was different and in some ways closer, and I know that I could have treated her better. She is another wonderful person that put up with me.

Okay, I needed to get all of that out. I read their blogs and realize that despite living within 10-15 minutes of each other we don't do much/anything together. If most or all of that is my fault, I apologize... and I miss you both.